I really don’t know what to write about. But it seems like the blogs that start out with my not knowing what to write tend to be the longest. Let’s see if my theory holds true.
I was looking at Facebook today and saw a picture that my sister posted of Ethan. He was riding in my car and looking at my Blackberry camera with the prettiest eyes I think I’ve ever seen. And looking at that picture makes me feel like he’s looking back at me. God this sucks. There’s no positive spin to put on losing those two. Today marks 11 months since he and his grandpa Rolando drowned in their backyard pool. You guys were all very amazing when the accident happened and I’m still so totally grateful for that. I’ve heard a lot of you say that time heals the pain, but honestly I’m still waiting on that to happen.
It’s so funny how different of a person I am now than I was just 5 years ago. Like everyone else on this planet if I could go back in time and change my ways sooner, I would. It’s so strange to me how someone who couldn’t even talk very much yet changed my life so dramatically. I was texting back and forth with Tasha last night and it kind of hit me that this two and a half year old little boy has touched my life more than anyone else ever has. I have other nieces and nephews who I love dearly, but like I said earlier, I guess growing up makes a huge difference in the way you see things. I was 10 when my oldest nephew Brandon was born. I watched him all the time, changed his diapers, danced and sang to him…I guess I went through the motions. And I loved that kid as much as a 10 year old can love another child. I was still pretty young when Ashley, Hunter, and Haley were born, so it’s kind of the same story. But with Ethan it was just different.
I was so nervous and excited and overwhelmed when Samantha called ME when she thought she was going into labor. I swear that was the longest drive of my life. I took her to Medical City and we sat in that room until they told her that she was for real in labor. I sat and watched them give her medicine. I sat and waited praying that Baby Ethan would be born soon because I wanted to meet him. So badly. And I’m pretty sure I bawled the entire way home when I had to leave the hospital before he was born because the next morning was our last show of the year and we had like 4 bands coming in to perform. I had to be on my game. So I was not there when he was born, but I did go to the hospital as soon as I possibly could to hold the little guy. He was 7lbs 6 oz. Exactly one pound bigger than I was when I was born. He was amazing and perfect and Samantha was in good health and Orlando was just overjoyed to have his first son. Ethan Pacheco was truly a blessing in all of our lives.
I’ve said many times before that my relationship with Ethan is one that I have no regrets in. Not a single one. If I could go back I would have not taken a nap sometimes before I went to pick him up. And I would have kept him overnight more (if his mom and dad would have let me) because those nights are some that I’ll never forget. He had to be ON me when we slept. And I would lay awake all night because this big, sweaty boy just wanted to be close to me. It didn’t matter to him that maybe I wasn’t at my best that day. He didn’t care how much money I had in my account or what kind of crappy car I drive. He genuinely loved me and I genuinely loved him back. Pure and simple. That’s an amazing thing to have in your life and he taught me that.
If Ethan were still was us today I would have him right now. Wednesdays and Fridays were my days. I lived for those days. No matter how crappy of a week I might have been having..it was all pushed aside when I had him. Who cares about the little things when he was what life was all about. He was the reason I tried to make it work with my ex (well that and guilt). He was the reason for a lot of things in my life and now, 11 months since we lost him, I still don’t quite know what to do with myself.
Tears flow frequently. More than I would ever want anyone to know. I try so hard to stay strong for Samantha and Orlando, but man. Sometimes it’s all I can do to not just lock myself in my apartment and not come back out. I love my sister and my parents and my family very much. I don’t discount that for a second. And I have amazing friends who I would do anything for. It’s just hard. I know, Captain Obvious, right?
It took me over six months to take his car seat out of my car. My closet is full of his toys. My apartment has his pictures all over the place. And while it’s hard sometimes to walk in and see the bubble lawn mower that he used to terrorize the dogs with by chasing them around the yard, there is some strange comfort in knowing that his little hands were on that handle. And I see his huge smile when he would push that really, REALLY loud toy around the house. Hardwood floors. Sound travels. But it made him happy and I was not going to deny him a second of that. And looking back now I am so grateful that’s the attitude I had with him. He was truly an angel on Earth and I was so blessed to be able to share two and a half amazing years with a truly perfect human being. For that I am blessed.
I know that I have written a lot about him in the past three and a half years. I get that it might be kind of annoying to read about bubble mowers and Friday trips to Pei Wei and Target. But you’ve stuck with me through the best and absolute worst times in my life and I appreciate YOU or that, too. And please just do me one more favor. Don’t take your time here on earth for granted. Make the most of your relationships because no matter how many plans for the future you’ve made, you’re not guaranteed to wake up tomorrow with the opportunity to achieve them. That’s a nightmare I’ve learned the hard way. You know it’s so strange the things that were important to me. Before I moved into the house that Big Al rented to me we spent weeks and weeks painting and working on it. I was sitting in the hallway painting the baseboards and I called dibs on picking Ethan up from school a couple days a week. Now at this point he was 2 years old and a long way off from school. But I just wanted the amazing relationship we had to continue. And I selfishly wanted to make sure I would get my time with him. And you better believe that if he was still here and going to school in a couple of years, my butt would be first in that pick up line every chance I got. It truly sucks that I didn’t get that chance, but there’s nothing I can do to bring him back.
I guess the one big thing I’ve learned through all of this is how to truly love someone. To open my heart up to them and embrace the fact that someone else will accept me for exactly who I am. He made me see that all the BS in life is exactly that…BS. He made me realize that life is too short to be miserable and to cut the toxic people out and bring in the good ones. He taught me that feeling the type of love that I had for him is something that I now welcome into my life instead of run from. I’m okay with the thought of being completely consumed by another person. I never thought I would see myself in that place.
So I guess this has been pretty long and I should wrap it up. But just in case God has a spare minute and searches the web and stumbles across my blog, I hope he knows that he took in some amazing angels last July. I really hope that Ethan does for Heaven what he has done for me.